Sheep-Loving Student

So some background is a little necessary here. I made the mistake of mentioning that I thought sheep were very huggable creatures (until you get close, of course). My friends decided to take that to its various extremes, and by the summer a good portion of them assumed that I was having regular sex with sheep. Early in the summer I got a very interesting email concerning my adventures with a rather sexy sheep named Gregory. Seeing as it is currently finals week and I really don't have time to write out anything else, I figure I should let you guys take a look at this. Warning: extremely inappropriate content ahead.


PART I

Thine fabulous Hay-Soos the sheep arrived on a flotilla of disposable napkins from the East, leaving tangerine-scented clouds of methy fumes in his wake.  And it was disgusting.  But this did not put the willful Simon off – if anything, it only intensified his lust for the rugged, hairy mass of woolly wonderment.  Like Clark Kent and Superman, Simon could no longer live confined to his ordinary persona. Simon the Sheepshagger was on a quest, and no man – or statutory bestiality law – could stop him in his quest for some wooly willy.

One evening in a dark, dark forest Simon was trekking along determinedly and contemplating the suppleness of his wonderful wooly sweater-- oh, the ECSTASY!  “Woooooooolllyyyyyyy!” he proclaimed into the empty night.  But then, from nowhere, was a faint reply:  “aYESSSSS????”  Deep within his loins, Simon was stirred like a vat of yellow pudding. He knew that his soulmate was close:  Simon and Haysoos ran to each other, gallivanting across the sticky mud flats in slow motion. The dark forest became a field of daisies and the rain into gumdrops and little tiny delicious sheep-crunchies that resembled cheetos.
Simon and Hay-soos opened their mouths wide to catch the gumdrops and sheep-crunchies. “BAAAAAAHHHH!!!!” they sighed. - Their gaping, salivating mouths soon became incredibly distracting to one another.
    “ Simon....” sighed Hay-soos, “I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting for this... for your... throbbing................................ love for me in your heart. Baaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh.”
    Simon stared longingly at the woolly mammal. He couldn’t believe what was coming out of its mouth.... the words were so beautiful. It was so long--so long since he had felt this way about another mammal. There was that one passionate night in Cancun , with the lizard. But he didn’t really like to remember that one.  It had meant nothing to him. Scales are not nearly as sexy and lustrous as woolly wool.
    “ Haysoos, words cannot express how I feel right now. So I will have to show you my love in the only way I know how.” Simon thrust an eager hand into his fiery trousers.............. and pulled out a RUBIK’S CUBE! “This will come in handy tonight,” he whispered to Hay-soos, as he inched closer with his rubiks cube. “ I know all the cubing algorithms.... of LOVE.” Suddenly a raging storm of gumdrops and cheetos swirled around them, and thunder and lightning cascaded across the sky in an electric reflection of  the delight happening below. It was the Bam heard round the world.

 
PART II


The miraculous conception of Gregory the Wondersheep is a sordid tale of romance, horror, and high adventure on the seas of pulsating animal lust. Thousands of years ago, in a dark gonadical recess, a gooey-eyed WonderSperm quivered, awaiting his destiny. It was a mystery as to where this Wondersperm resided, to which gonadical recess he belonged--but that is the great question of Simon the Sheepshagger and Fabulous Hay-Soos.

Spurred forth by the promise of discount insurance and twinkies in the world beyond, he journeyed a long, long ways to the succulent Cadbury Creme WonderEgg - and such was the conception of Good Gregory, and he was destined for grapeness.

    In a matter of days, Gregory grew and grew, from sheep-fetus to sheep, faster than any sheep in the world. Soon, he was ready to go out in the world and find his discount insurance and twinkies. He burst forth from his passionately conjoined parents (who had been that way since the forest of daisies and cheetos).  Suddenly, the Sheepshagger and Hay-soos sprang back in horror at their disgusting sheepmongersausagebeastchild that lay on the ground in front of them.
    “BAAAAAAAAhhhh! HOW DID THIS HAPPEN???” screeched Hay-Soos.
“ I can’t hold that wretched thing. It’s got a sphincter for  a face.” shrieked Simon, flapping his hands wildly in terror. “ Hay-Soos, we cannot keep this disfigured lump of offspring, or our eyes shall burn out of our heads by the time it’s twelve.”
“Certainly not. Let’s adopt a bucket of KFC as a child instead.” replied Hay-Soos. They wrapped the abomination-child in some newspaper and headed off to the nearest KFC, exchanging a family-sized fried chicken meal for the reviled ‘bundle of joy’. The baby was left at the counter as Hay-Soos and Simon leapt away, cooing over their newfound fried chicken.
An employee working at the KFC  came up from behind the counter to see what the freaky sheepy couple had left on the counter. She peeled back the newspaper to see the mess of sheephuman crossbreeding. However, she was not repulsed - she immediately saw that it was her grim duty to raise this creature , despite all odds.  
“ I shall name him Gregory’, she rasped through the cigarette hole in her neck. “And he shall be Gregory the Wondersheep, for he shall go far in life, and shall achieve grapeness.”
Such was the birth of Gregory the Wondersheep.


PART III - 17 YEARS LATER

    Many years passed after that fateful day at KFC.  One day, Gregory realized something. “Mother,” said Gregory to his emphysematic foster-mother, “I am a mansheep now... and I am heading out into the world to find the twinkies and discount insurance I have so long sought after. And my father.”
    So Gregory set off into the wild blue yonder with no more than a rusty banana and a fetid cactus to fend off the demons of the unknown. He knew his parent’s names - Simon the Sheepshagger and Hay-Soos - but nothing more. Were they still together? Had Simon left Hay-Soos for a newer, better, woolier sheeplover? Had Hay-Soos left Simon for a delicious salt-lick? Were they both - heavens good gravy- DEAD? Gregory searched near and far, high and low, sideways and backwards, from valleys to mountains, from nook to cranny, in every concievable place he could think of. They were nowhere to be found. Finally, he gave up, and sat down on a tuft to eat curds and whey. Then he saw his parents peeking out of Oscar the Grouch's trash can, incredibly drunk and angry. Gregory had found his parents at last.

" Dearest Parents!" cried Gregory.
" ADKAJDKJFDAskdfjduuughmanadahhahh" groaned the parents. Gregory smiled, for he knew that they loved him almost as much as discount insurance. Their family was together once again, and all was right with the world.


THE END

     

THE END.