The Best Time of Your Life?

People say that college is the best time of your life. You get to still be a kid, but you're on your own. It can be tough at times, but the overall experience is a greatly positive one. For my mother and many others, it is a time that can be relived over and over in memory. I would like to be able to say that this will be true of me, but at the rate I'm going I will be happy to leave college and not think about it ever again.

It's true that we usually only remember the good things in life. After all, we like those warm, fuzzy feelings. It's nostalgia. So it's likely my memories have been skewed, and what I'm going through right now is worse only by comparison. But I do remember my moody issues from sophomore year of high school, and what I'm experiencing right now is very similar to those. Only now I'm on my own.

My mom visited me last week. It was Mother's Day weekend and Scav, so I had a good excuse to avoid Scavving too much. This was the first time in a very long time that I got along with my mom. A very long time. We've been bickering at each other since at least 4th grade, however many years ago that was. For a few years I tried to avoid my house, and I was looking forward to leaving for college for quite a while now. And I love being out of my parent's house. They're still paying for a very sizeable portion of my education, but the physical distance between us has eased all the tensions. Maybe I just needed to not be in constant contact with her to calm down. Who knows. Regardless, I had a great weekend, just hanging out with my mom and my girlfriend. It's a little scary how well they get along, actually. Best friends forever, as they say.

But since then all the emotional and mental stress has come flooding back, and it's worse than ever. I knew it would, and so I started working out more often (working out releases endorphins, or so I'm told) to help ease the transition. But I'm still not happy where I am.

Where to begin? Every day when I wake up I have to stare at an ancient ceiling in an ancient building with ancient carpets. It was kind of pretty, but that charm wears off quickly when you start to deal with mice, silverfish, no central air, and other amenities common to old buildings. The new furniture this year was nice, but it was like putting lipstick on a pig. Once the University finishes building Campus North, or whatever they're going to call it, I hope they start to fix up Snell-Hitchcock.

So I can't stand my home. I wake up and sigh. I walk in the door and sigh. To say I'm unhappy with where I live is an understatement. I love the people, but when you can't stand the place itself, it's hard to make up for it. My hope was to get a job as an RA. I've wanted to be one since before I came to college. I've dealt with being the new kid many, many times in my life. I'm a passable cook, and I like to think I'm diplomatic enough to handle the stickier situations. But I wasn't selected (read last post). I still haven't recovered from that. Devastated might be the best word to describe it. I've only ever had the "heavy heart" feeling a few times in my life (that I remember): my last high school baseball game (I blame Jace Fry for the feeling there) and when I found out I was not selected to be an RA.

The baseball feeling went away quickly. I've lost plenty of games before. This one stung a lot more than normal, but not anything a drive home couldn't fix. But I'm still feeling it from the RA selection process.

I tried to get a room with a friend of mine in another dorm to fix part of the problem (staying in my current dorm), but that didn't go through. So I reserved a room in Snell and tried to think positive thoughts. The problem was: there weren't any besides being closer to my girlfriend. That was reason enough to consider staying, but when that feeling continued after my mother left, I went to the general lottery (stressful) and got a room with someone I'd met at the gym a few times before (stressful). It's not that I made the right decision. But I needed to get out more than I wanted anything else. That was last night.

I've been a train wreak all day today. I couldn't sit through class. I left the classroom to sit in the hall for a few minutes about halfway through to calm myself down. I was breaking into tears randomly for no reason. As soon as class was over I ran to the housing office to see if I could switch back. Not that I would, but I thought it would make me feel better to know. No chance, they said. So I walked back to my room and just, well, cried. Not full on bawling or anything, but welling up every few minutes.

Since this has been going on for a few weeks now, I scheduled a appointment with a counselor and my advisor (not at the same time). If it's anything like that counselor I had sophomore year of high school, this will not be much help at all, but I just need to vent to someone who's not my girlfriend right now (she's seen me sad enough these past weeks). And I'm talking to my advisor about the possibility of taking a leave of absence. I want to finish this quarter, but we'll see what happens.

I've been unable to form any real coherent thoughts all day. I've taken two trips to the grocery store to get fruit and have been staring blankly at my math textbook for a few hours. I went to discussion session for math (since I have a midterm on Monday - oh, joy!) and was sort of able to pay attention. My mom wants me to try to take a medical leave before the quarter is over. I'm going to wait on my appointments next week, but we'll see what happens.

I hate to make this blog a venting place, but sometimes it just happens. I'm still really looking forward to this summer, so that's one positive thing I have going for me. Just right now it feels like one of the only things.